As an unpublished writer, I constantly question myself. I had a bit of a writing breakdown last week because I’m so desperate to finish my final revisions of my YA contemporary story but am struggling to find the time to fit it all in. But instead of giving myself a break and reminding myself I’ll be out of my full-time job soon and will have lots of time to do it then, I’ve stuck a big fat deadline on it and have put bags of pressure on myself to hit it.
Maybe because the I’m worried the agent I met will forget about me, maybe because I have lots of ideas for my next story and am torn between the two, or maybe I just enjoy beating myself up. I like to do things quickly. I’m not patient. It’s an annoying trait for someone keen to get into publishing, probably the slowest moving industry in the world. And I want to be a “good” writer. I feel if I can’t revise my story properly and quickly then I must be failing at it.
Sometimes I think I’m so tough on myself because I want to succeed so much. I’ve shouted about my dream now to everyone and I feel loads of pressure to make it happen. I found this quote the other day and it struck a cord:
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.
But I know that I can’t let this funk get me down. I need to take the pressure off. I want to enjoy writing and be excited to finish this story not annoyed by it. I don’t want to think about other people judging me and I want to stop judging myself. I need to stop setting myself impossible deadlines and just let the words flow when I feel inspired. Because if it’s meant to be, it will be. And even if this one doesn’t work out, I will keep trying with the next.